SPEAK

When you are fourteen years old and see the world through trusting eyes, the last person you would expect to walk out of your life is your daddy.

My parents’ marriage always seemed to be a rocky one. I believed that every marriage was like this: You fall in love, get married, go to work, have kids, and somewhere along the way, you forget about the love and affection that was once the foundation. And once you forget about this love, marriage was a free-for-all. You could say anything to your spouse, regardless of whether or not it was hurtful. You could stay at work as late as you want, or maybe not come home at all. Worst of all – you could lie and be unfaithful.

When my mom found out about the affair, it was her last straw.

I remember that day vividly. My little brother and I came home from school to find my mom’s family all seated in our family room, my dad sitting across from them. Everyone was yelling. My brother and I went to our rooms, shut our doors in attempts to take back everything we heard, and cried. Not long after, my dad came upstairs to my room. I knew he was leaving, because he was holding a few of his things. He walked over to me, and I wouldn’t look at him. But he made me look at him in the eyes.

“I’m going to fix this,” he said, “I promise.”

He tried for a few weeks, but quickly grew impatient when my mom wasn’t healing as fast as he’d wished. His impatience grew to bitterness, and his bitterness turned into rage. After a few uncomfortable encounters – one involving the police, another one that got me so worked up that I fainted – I decided that it would be best to cut off contact with him for a while.

During this year, the girl I once was completely disappeared. She was replaced by a recluse, isolated from those who could possibly hurt her – which was anyone and everyone. If I couldn’t trust my own father, who was supposed to love me and protect me unconditionally and keep his promises, whom could I trust?

I tried anything to get rid of the numb feeling I was experiencing. One night, I dragged sharp objects across my skin, just to feel something. But I became scared that someone would see my scars, so I didn’t do it again. I pushed people away with my snobby attitude. It was a protection, a mask. I didn’t want anyone to know how depressed I was, how dark my mind was. Especially my mom – she was having a hard enough time dealing with her pain.

After a year of not speaking to my dad, I was court-ordered to go to counseling with him, something that he fought with my mom for. Part of me wondered if my dad was just trying to spite my mom with lawsuits. But a small part of me that I had to find strength to muster up had hope. I thought, “Maybe he truly does care and wants to fight for me.” This hope diminished after the fourth week of counseling, when I sat in the waiting room at the therapist’s office for about an hour, only to realize he wasn’t going to show. The pain now went deeper.

I started looking at myself in search of reasons for the neglect. Memories started popping up of my dad pointing out certain “flaws”: my “fat” ankles, my “weird” laugh, etc. – small things that never bothered me in the past but now started to fester in my vulnerable state, especially with my age and newfound interest in the media. Every day was a battle to fight off the demons that would tell me I was ugly, worthless, and a waste of life. I started ignoring my dad again, because it seemed like the only way I got his attention, the only way he’d pursue me. Peoples’ opinions – especially boys’ – weighed heavily on me. One mindless insult, and I would be completely destroyed. I started to alter myself in order to win the favor of others, boys especially, and I felt worthless when my friends received the attention. My eating habits reflected my insecurities. My immodest clothing reflected my lack of self-respect. I hated myself. It got to be so dark, that I often thought casually about taking my life.

Although I didn’t know who God was at the time, He had His hand on my situation the whole time. He put a best friend into my life who not only knew God, but who wanted me to know him. One night, in ninth grade, she invited me to youth group. I was never exposed to anything like this before. There was praise and worship music that kids would dance and sing along to at the tops of their lungs, so much joy! There was an encouraging message that I could relate to. For the first time, I truly heard the Word of God straight out of the bible and applied to my life.

Christians were not at all what I thought. I thought that they lived close-to-perfect lives and were quick to judge those who faltered. But I soon realized that I was wrong. These people were just as messed up as me, if not more. The only thing that distinguished them from me, the reason they were so happy and put together, was that the love of Jesus Christ continually restored their broken hearts.

I kept coming back each week. God’s light was cutting through my darkness and slowly, but steadily, chiseled away at my walls. I was lost, but I was searching, so God gave me answers. I did not yet know what it meant to give my life to the Lord, but my strength to face each day grew as time went on.

Even though I was getting stronger, my patterns continued. Due to my trust issues with my earthly father, I was not fully convinced of God’s promise and the joy of knowing him. I still chased after earthly desires to fill the void I felt. I thought the right boyfriend could rid me of my issues. Soon, I found someone who truly seemed to care for me.

We were serious right from the start, barely knowing each other. This “seriousness” gave me a sense of security, which was what I longed for in a guy. I overlooked many things about him because he did what the world says a “good boyfriend” does. He’d buy and make me things, remind me everyday that he would never leave me, that he needed and would always love me. I was comfortable in a relationship for the first time.

But soon enough, because he was human, he hurt me. And how did I react? Just like with my dad, I looked at myself as the reason. I felt like I wasn’t enough for him, like I had to try extra hard. His constant compliments about my appearance, which were intended for good, only fueled the fire and encouraged me in my race to look perfect. I started giving in to certain sexual pressures, feeling more loved when he wanted me physically. I was spiraling out of control.

As this went on, God was crying for my attention. When I would take my eyes off of my relationship for just a moment and open my heart to Him, he would astound me. Even this little bit of time with Him started to drastically change my heart. It was an ongoing battle between wanting to give my life to Jesus, and being too afraid to leave the comfort of familiarity. I wanted to be close to God, but I was held back by a relationship that was not God-centered.

I was saved on June 28^th of 2009 after a week of hearing God’s word at Creation Festival. I pushed my boyfriend to be closer to God, so that I did not have to end our relationship. But I could not make him; that was something that had to come from his own desire to be closer to God. Yet our relationship continued. He “needed” me, and I was close to his family and friends. I didn’t want to let anyone down. But God was becoming my father figure, and I saw that the kind of man He wanted me to marry was not the one I was with. I fought against it, trying everything to save my comfort with this person, to not be vulnerable. But the more time I spent with God, the more I was falling in love with Him. I soon realized nothing would get in the way of that.

I recommitted my life to the Lord on June 30^th, last summer (2011), after being baptized. I finally accepted God’s promise for my life: unconditional love, peace, purpose, and complete joy in knowing Him. A couple of months after being baptized, I finally decided to end my three-year relationship with my boyfriend. In order to gain these wonderful things, you must let go of all that is holding you back from Him. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but it was completely worth it. I looked forward to being with the man God wanted for me. One who would lead me spiritually and love God just as much, if not more, than I did. His love would be focused strictly on my soul, not my body, and he’d admire and grow alongside me in my obedience to God.

Since then, I have forgiven my dad and built a relationship with him again, using the grace that God had for me in my faults. I now love who I am because God himself made me and loves me just how I am. I don’t need anyone else to tell me I’m beautiful in order to feel it; it sounds best coming from Jesus’ lips. He is the perfect example of love in every area of life, whether it’s at home, at school, or even at church. He is the One who is to be reflected in family, friendships, and every relationship we ever have. Instead of fearing a marriage that might fail, I now look forward to having a marriage that reflects the love that Christ has for the church.

 Your earthly father is not perfect; he is going to make mistakes. But your heavenly Father is perfect and never fails. Ladies, He is the best example of the man you want to marry someday. But remember that no human can be perfect like Him apart from Him. We must rely on God alone for complete satisfaction, love, and joy. Gentlemen, He is the perfect role model of what it means to be a true man. Forget what this world says. We were not made for this world. No earthly desire comes close to the joy you experience with knowing Jesus, that is a promise that can’t be broken. He will never, ever walk away from you. 

Psalm 27:10 Even if my father and mother abandon me, the LORD will hold me close.

Check in the next few days to hear about the gentle touch of God on a young woman’s life & restored her broken heart.

http://listenspeakshare.tumblr.com/

My name is Sarah. I am 19 years old, and will be entering my sophomore year of college at Southeastern University. I first dedicated my life to Christ at the age of seven. My entire life I have grown up in the same church. My father is in full- time ministry. Living on a ministry salary can always be difficult; you put food on the table by whoever may support the ministry. Sometimes this created a lot of tension in my home. As a child I was hearing from my parents about financial issues.  Hearing about these problems scared me, the security I was suppose to rely on wasn’t always there. I believe in these years I built up a habit of always hoping and being let down.  My expectation was set on material things and things that could never give me safety. I struggled trusting anyone’s words.

When I was nine years old I had a friend over to spend the night. That night she got overheated and took her clothes off.  This then resulted in her touching me inappropriately. I then reciprocated the behavior.  I was nine years old, I wasn’t supposed to understand sexual immorality, let alone be involved in it. I prayed to God for forgiveness, yet I never felt forgiven.  I always felt guilt, and emptiness.

All my life I have had issues with my weight. With all the guilt I had felt, this only escalated my emotional eating behaviors. I didn’t think anything could fill that void, so I turned to food for satisfaction. This became an eating disorder; it was an addiction that was taking over my life. By the age of thirteen I was nearly 200lbs. I hated myself, and I couldn’t even stand to look at myself. Friends had talked behind my back, and I got made fun of for my weight. I finally decided that enough was enough. It was time I started losing the weight and getting healthy. Things started out great, but I quickly slipped into an obsession. Over a span of about 4 weeks I rapidly lost about 30lbs. In this time I skipped meals to feel thinner, or for punishment. I analyzed my body non-stop. I desired perfection like I had seen in the magazines.

Media was something that had a big roll in my struggles. Though I was thin, I never felt beautiful or good enough. I happened upon a magazine article one day that discussed things about the female body and what was healthy for it. Part of that article was about masturbation. They said it was good for you, and that it would make you feel good. All I wanted was something to fill the void in my life. I tried it. I felt so much shame and disgust in myself. Pretty soon it became an addiction. I was in such a lowly place. The emotional eating had begun again and I gained back that weight very quickly.

At the age of 16 I rededicated my life to Christ. I knew so much about God but I never had a relationship with him. After rededicating my life, the masturbation and emotional eating still continued. I didn’t know how to get rid of it, I prayed to God but he seemed to be so distant. Every time I had the opportunity to say the prayer of salvation I would, in hopes that I would be forgiven and able to start over. 

Eventually after three years the masturbation stopped, it was not by my own strength, nor did I ask for strength, it was truly a miracle that God stopped that.  It was now that time in life where I got the chance to start college.  God led me to Southeastern University in Florida. I was miles away from home. This was something very new for me. Here I started learning that I needed to have discipline in building my relationship with God. I was learning many new things about God and myself. God was stretching me.  I found myself in a relationship with someone I deeply cared about. I finally was able to confess sins and guilt to him that I held for 10 years of my life.  I was feeling freedom.

There was a lot of healing that needed to take place. The intentions of the relationship started out good, but they quickly grew bad. In this time of insecurity I was easily swayed. I couldn’t stand on my own ground. Jesus was my savior, but I did not understand his love, grace, and how much worth I had in his eyes still. The bond I had with this guy became emotionally abusive and went too far physically.  I lost weight very quickly again. I was making myself sick because of the hurt and guilt I had. The one person I had put trust in wasn’t stable enough to hold me up.

God kept telling me no, yet I kept giving in to wrong and sin. One day I was completely broken before the Lord in prayer, he came and wrecked me.  The Lord instilled strength in me to start saying no and to seek him more. I left my first year of college brokenhearted but God was restoring that brokenness.  I finally comprehended what grace truly was, and that God loved me so much. All my sins of the past were wiped clean, I knew this now. Jesus was revealing how deep his love was for me. Each day he continues to do so, I know I am his daughter and in his eyes I am priceless.

I am completely in love with Jesus, he is showing me what true love will look like, he is always reminding me that I am his beautiful creation, and he continues to reveal his purpose for me. About two years ago I was called in music ministry. Over the past year God has opened many doors for that to become a reality. I desire to glorify his name in all that I do. I am so grateful to God for the strength he has given me and for the sins I dealt with because through my story I have seen God change lives and break bondage.  God is a God of miracles and mending and grace. God is restoring the broken relationship and building a new friendship with that guy, God is giving me strength daily to overcome fear, and showing me my beauty. He has made me new, and he makes everything new if you just let him. God desires your heart and life so much, he is so jealous for you. Jesus wants to be the center of everything in your life because when he is the center, everything will hold together in him. Nothing on this earth, whether it be money, sex, food, clothes, cars, nothing can bring the satisfaction that Christ can bring. He died and rose again for me, that is the ultimate display of love. Jesus is healer, deliver, strong-tower, peace, comfort, friend, father, breath of life, Jesus is my everything. 

Check in this weekend to hear about the power of God breaking chains of lust, insecurity, & fear in a young woman’s heart!